Like Before

I have been an observer for most of my life.  I have definitely had my moments where I have gulped life without coming up for air but the past few years I feel like I have been sitting on the bench.  I probably had to rest for a bit because I feel a big wave coming.  Sometimes I would dive head first into the wave only to be pushed down to the bottom of the ocean.  Other times I would run from the wave or jump over it in order to avoid the big splash.

I remember being a teenager and spending my summer vacation in Rhode Island.  I would go there with my mother, my aunt and my cousin, who was a year younger than me.  There was a tiny store at the corner of the street where we had our cottage.  It sold suntan lotion and penny candy.  Two brothers worked there, their names were Pop and Tony.  I liked Pop and my cousin liked Tony.  They were Italian and the coolest guys on the block.  I could absolutely have the biggest crush on Pop in the summer and forget about him in the winter.  Yet once those hot months rolled around again, I was ready to play the kissing game.  I wish I could still be like that, carefree and open.  It's a different time though.  It's all about this overly affectionate social network jargon where people lay their emotions at the foot of someone's facebook wall.  I prefer a stolen glance across the room or a handwritten love letter.

That happened to me recently.  The stolen glance thing.  I was working and the restaurant was packed.  All the girls were talking about the cute guy on table 33, longish hair, scruffy.  I just cared about when I was going to be able to go home.  I could not be bothered.  My boss told me to bring drinks to this particular the table.  I put them on a tray in a huff and walked toward Mr. Hearthrob.  I couldn't of had more of an attitude.  When I placed his whiskey sour in front of him he tried to give me his bedroom eyes.  Since I was the manager on duty, I had to be polite so I scrunched out a smirk.  Then I looked to his right and his friend was staring at me, he had glasses on and was kind of shy.  When I really looked I noticed that he was super cute.  I quickly turned and started to walk away.  I felt different and as I approached my co-worker near the front of the restaurant I found myself wanting to look back in his direction.  When I did, he was craning his neck to see where I was.  Guys never really do that in LA, especially where I work and if they do, it's usually to find the most famous girl in the room.  When I caught his eye, he smiled, I immediately looked down and became busy.

I think it may be time to get off the bench and smile back, like before, like my summers at the beach.