Confession

I come from a place where you always keep a stiff upper lip.  You don't talk about your problems and if you have any issues, you pretend that you don't.  Healthy huh?  Needless to say I moved to California and this way of thinking bought me about 10 years.  But when you are dealing with the wackness of it all you have to default to truth overdrive.  Much to the chagrin of a few close peeps I have been processing a lot.  I often wonder why they just don't jump out of my car at a stop light while I am mid-sentence, it would be so much easier.  Luckily I have picked some prized fighters and we all want to win.  So they choose, so far, to get temporarily stuck in the traffic of my madness.  Dare I say, I'm a lucky girl.

It hasn't always been this way.  I have ended friendships on a dime.  Just couldn't take it anymore.  It was kind of like realizing you were playing in the same game but each person had different rules.  It was impossible.  So you just disqualify yourself, remove a player, and I haven't looked back since.  All good though, bittersweet growth.

I could never do that now.  The friendships that I am building are on much more solid ground.  Lots of watering and pruning the plants.  Plucking out the occasional weed, tending with lots of  loving care, speaking the truth always and having an opinion.  Imagine that!  A major meeting of the minds, constant creativity and belly laughs.  Lots of giggles are important, it makes trudging through the yucky stuff worth it.

I confessed to a group of women today.  We are all searching and we all seem to be at the same starting gate in life.  The most important thing that we have in common is we all want to be the best.  The best kind of friend, daughter, mother, sister, wife, lover, teacher and so on.  I realize to be the best at any of those things you have to be true and how often do we run from that part of ourselves.  We are pulled in the direction of seeking approval of others, people pleasing and settling for less just to survive.  Well I want it all and I am not afraid to say it.  I don't want a Bentley, a spray tan, a house in the hills or a trip to Paris.  (Well maybe the trip to Paris :).)  I do want to always say something and mean it, I want friends I can depend on, a job that I'm proud of, I want my words to mean something and influence people positively, I want to share ideas, I want to debate, I want to learn, I want to decide and I want my kisses not to be in vain.  That's not much to ask.  So I confess my wrongs in hopes of making them right, in hopes knowing why I stumbled and  it never happening again in the same way.  I don't want to repeat my failures, I want to learn from them.  Oh my, now I sound like a Hallmark card.

I wore blue flowers in my hair today because I felt new.  I've never used a compass before.  Here in Los Angeles, I know that north is toward the Hollywood sign, south is toward the hood, west is to the beach and east goes downtown.  I sit with my legs folded under me listening to music.  The voice fills the room and I rock back and forth.  I finally know which way to go.