Yelp I've fallen and I can't get up. Not.

Disclaimer: "Any resemblance to persons or places portrayed is just happenstance, yada, yada, yada"

I put the trusty ole apron back on, threw my hair up in a messy bun and kept it moving.   I mean I can practically wait on people with my eyes closed.  Which is what I mentally do anyway.  Dreaming  of sunshine and some house in the hills or maybe a trip to the Venice film festival.  Someday right?  There is always the hope of someday.

 This time wearing the apron is different, it's not like once upon a time in Hollywood when you worked with your friends and kvetched about your auditions or the cute new guy behind the bar.  Times are a changing.  Gone are the days of "hey, how was your day off?"  Now it's the dreaded earbuds cancelling one from humanity where hellos fall on voluntary deaf ears.  I refuse to wear the earbuds because I don't want to be part of the crowd.  It's my curse.  Never conform.  I like smiles and gossip and mutual dramatic complaint about the long hours and lousy tips.

And this dreaded Yelp, the villian in my story.  A big gelatinous hairy mole on the back side of society.  I pretty much know how you feel when you leave me 10.00 on 200.00.  Do you really have to go into some dark room and stare into a screen and spew venom about us being out of your effing favorite spaghetti and meatballs.  It's popular.  Get over it.  Maybe stand up straighter, iron your shirt and invest in some eye cream, it may make you smile more.  I'm not interested in your attention seeking opinion.  Nobody cares.  And if they do, they are pretty much a d*#k just like you.  Why not throw on an apron and a fit bit so you can make your 10,000 steps a day and smile for 6 hours all the while asking "any allergies?"  Take your vegan, (i'm a part time vegan, I love vegans, this all for dramatic effect) gluten free, allium (its a garlic and onion allergy, I had to look it up, God help me!) ass and your novel length Yelp review and stick it where the sun doesn't shine.  I mean really?  Have you been to a soup kitchen?  Or a homeless shelter?  People are suffering.  They don't have the luxury of time or a computer or an opinion for that matter.  All of these things are a privilege.  A privilege that you take for granted so you can get your jollies off by posting one star.   One star!  Gross.

I once worked for a chef in Los Angeles, he was world famous, a master top chef.  He told us "if I catch any of you reading Yelp, you are fired."  I loved it! A rebel.  My kind of guy.

Just give me the blue hairs.  Please.  The retired ones, that saved their pennies and learned some manners.  They look you in the eye and there is a sparkle, a kindness in their smile.  They ask how you are doing and compliment your effort.  Nothing is a "nightmare" or "I just can't".  It is all civilized and human and tied up in a pretty bow with a big fat tip.  And the biggest perk of all they have never even heard of Yelp.  "What is that?" they ask and are completely appalled by the answer.   "How rude!"  I agree.