Spilt Soda and Ex-Lovers

I love my street, I think I live on the prettiest street in Los Angeles.  Sycamore trees abound and I get drunk on the cool night blooming jasmine air.  Today I was trying to find a parking space, I turned the corner and there were four cruisers in front of my building. I slowed down to be nosy and I saw my neighbor talking to them.  A waiting Range Rover blew it's horn and the overly tan blonde frantically waved her hand for me to keep it moving.  I parked and went through the back door of my building and ran up the stairs right into two cops outside my neighbors door.  Drama.  I loved it. I think.  Their walkie talkies were squawking and they gave me the obligatory nod when my neighbor peeked his head around the corner.

"Oh my God, I'm so happy you weren't here."

I rested my hand on the railing and it was wet and sticky.  What the heck?!

"That's soda, I threw my soda at him." he said.

Him, being his ex-lover who overstayed his welcome after a serious bout with drugs.

"What happened?"

"He wouldn't leave, I had to get a restraining order against him and he flipped out so I called the cops."

I looked to the ground, it was wet and I didn't know what to say.

"You know, after everything he's done, I still feel bad that he is going to spend his birthday in jail."

"No, don't feel bad, that's co-dependent."  I had to stop myself from going into therapist mode but the look in his eyes wanted more of my words.

"You just have to rip the band-aid off and move on, time will make it better, at least that's what my mom says."

He looked like he was going to cry.

"He used to be so beautiful."

I thought about some of the beautiful ones that I used to know that went right when they were supposed to go left and now, not so beautiful too.

"I know it's hard, impossibly hard and you feel like you are going to feel this way forever but you wont, things are going to get better, I promise, you took care of yourself."

He smiled.

"How are you?"

"I'm good, I feel great, I just had a great audition, things are good."  Oh my gosh, how many times can I say good and great, I think I may have been rambling.  I just go into autopilot in these situations, this is where I shine, taking care of others and making sure they are ok and here in the midst of this man's chaos he asked me how I was doing.  I was thrown.

"When is that movie that you did going to come out?'

"I think soon, I'll let you know."

"Well thank you, thank you for listening."

"If you need anything, knock on my door."

I closed my door and my head was spinning, I'm sure his was too and I started to think about forgiveness.  I had a conversation with two people recently who had polar opposite opinions about it.  One said "it's a crock, you're giving the other person too much power."  And the other said, "it's a beautiful thing, you're whole world opens up when you forgive."

I recently received an email from an ex, who had asked me for forgiveness over the years and I just blocked it out, like it wasn't even an option.  I figured since all of this forgiveness talk was coming up, I would give it a whirl, this is an excerpt of his response:

I am sorry. I really am. I've never had the chance to really show it. I've tried to show it through the good I could do, even when you weren't around to witness, while I try to keep the bad that exists in me at bay. But time does heal... "One thing, I've learned about life... it goes on." - Robert Frost. I still have his book of his poems that you gave me. For almost 15 years it was one of the handful of books that I traveled with. And my mom kept just about every photo we ever had together in a trunk. I went through everything and relived everything. And to know that the most intense and reoccurring regret I've had for almost 20 years has come full circle gives me pause. Thank you.

I read it to one girlfriend and she cried and to another who said "so what."  This or that.  Yes or no.  Words, where are they when you need them.  I wipe my sticky hand and look out my window.  The cop cars are gone.

Flying Backward

When I was a kid I used to have flying dreams all of the time.  Gliding through the sky while my stomach flip flopped and right before I would go splat my eyes would open.  Sometimes life can make me feel like I'm flying backward.  I want that feeling of being high above it all, weightless, where nothing matters.  Because walking can just be so damn muddy.  Trudge, trudge, trudge.  So I just opt to fly as much as possible in the direction that I want to go in but sometimes I just do it backward like I am doing the backstroke in a pool.  I know there is a place that I want to be but I don't want to deal with what I have to pass to get there.  The agendas, the empty promises, the slick words and fake smiles I could do without but it's par for the course.  I prefer the moments when a friend grabs my phone and downloads a song then plops my headphones in my ears and says "this will help you along the way".  Then I listen to the song on repeat and repeat and repeat. I am grateful.  Grateful for the gems.  You have to mine for them though and the dirt messes up my hair and scuffs my boots.

I remember when I managed a horrible restaurant in Silverlake.  And as a sidenote restaurant management for an artist is like purgatory, absolute torture!  So I hired some of my really cute guy friends to tend bar and that made it bearable.  It was like I worked for a bunch of thugs and I had to constantly go up against them on a daily basis.  These people were the worst of the bunch.  Like characters I had read about in books but never met in person.  When I was a my wit's end with my head was spinning and I was questioning everything..why, why, why????? is this happening to me!?, I received one of the most eloquent and beautiful emails ever from one of my busboys.  Now regardless of what you believe in..God, Buddha, Jehovah, The Dollar or retail therapy...none of it mattered because he wrote from his truth and it struck mine.  Here's a bit: " God is not a father that cares about our earthly success, but that we try and in our journey grow closer to the things of him. Love, Joy, peace, forbearance, Kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. (All fruits, I see being made ripe in you). That being said I have seen nothing but you doing the absolute best job that anyone could do in your shoes. Don't allow your fruits to be robbed."

Cue my jaw dropping. How could he see all that in me at a time when I felt so invisible? A gem. I had found another gem. And it didn't come from a director that I wanted to work with, a cute guy that I wanted to kiss, or some boss that I wanted to please. It came from someone and somewhere when I least expected it. This moment changed the game for me and I quit that lousy job and remembered what I was made of and where I came from. Virtues do mean something in this wild world. The right people will notice at the right time when you need it the most.

Flying backward is like kissing upside down or washing your hair in a bowl of spaghetti. It doesn't make sense, it feels funny but it gets you where you need to go. Keep moving.