After a woman gives birth it is usually after a grueling amount of physical pain, blood, sweat and tears. Well I gave birth minus the physical pain and the blood which quite frankly I'm happy to save for another day. At the risk of sounding all earthy and new agey, I guess I could say that I gave birth to myself. I did kick, scream and fight it tooth and nail which made it all the more hellish but I managed to find some mental doulas, mid-wives and the occasional cute mid-husband to help me plod along my journey out of the sandbox. One aha moment I had as I held my head and slumped down amongst the rubble of my old ways is that I really like to be around people that get me. I think part of my problem was I just kept picking the wrong pieces of my puzzle and we all know how that feels when we try to force anything where it doesn't belong. I breathe and know that Buddha would be proud that I was finding the right pieces.
"Flow through things like the river, go around the rocks."
This is what a friend told me when we used to sneak into movie premieres in New York City.
"If they ask your name, just keep walking."
"Excuse me, what?"
"Don't make eye contact"
"I thought we had tickets?"
"Don't worry, don't talk and stay behind me."
And with that we walked past two burly security guards into Robert DeNiro's private screening room only to be chased by the events publicist.
"Excuse me, excuse me, are you on the list/"
At this point I felt like I was going to hyperventilate and me cheeks were burning. My friend grabbed my hand and stopped. He turned around and glared at the woman.
"We are IN the movie."
She stopped and apologized and with that we settled into our seats with the movie stars, front and center.
My party crasher friend got me, he knew I was capable of flowing like the river. I often forget and still get smashed up against the occasional rock or swept out to sea but then I clasp my hands and pray to my guy upstairs and everything works itself out.
Flow.
Breathe.
Birth.
Happy.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Suddenly Selfish
I'm selfish and it's a good thing..for me anyway. I have to try really hard to be selfish after a lifelong passion of being a big time people pleaser. I'm stepping into this new found freedom and owning it. Now anyone that has known me for a long time is probably jumping for joy at the thought of this because I did for others so much that I did indeed sacrifice my own well being. I think we've all been there once or twice but I really did have a penchant for picking the takers and the anglers. I played my part do not get me wrong, I was looking for friendship and love in all the wrong places whilst trying to fill that gaping hole otherwise known as the fatherless daughter madness. After making the rounds on the therapy circuit, spiritual counsel and intense soul searching I have finally started to chip away at this comfortable pattern that I have developed along my life's journey. Suddenly stability is hot. Gone are the long elaborate excuses of why the broken promises, the social slights, the missed phone calls, the can't be bothered to ever take your feelings into consideration because I just have so much shit that I'm working on and blah blah blah. It all starts to sound the same and it's name is whatever. That dance is so yesterday and quite honestly I'd rather shop or take a nap. Beauty sleep is much more glamorous than deciphering some lie. Ladies and gents I am here to tell you, keep it moving, we all deserve the best.
The more selfish I have become (which really means finally having my own back, but I love to be dramatic and pretend I am soooo selfish that I can't be bothered but that's not really true, it's almost like I have to over shoot in order to get the result I want), the happier I have been. Sometimes it's daunting, the pull to the old ways. It's like a tag that you forgot to cut out of your favorite shirt, eventually you just rip it off because it is so irritating. It usually leaves some sort of tear but it's in the back so no one really sees it.
I plot my course alone with the big guy upstairs. The busyness of it all provides excitement and slight anxiety. I have never been one to plan my day by the hour yet this is what I have become. I devour the time when the sun is out and schedule meetings at 7:30am. This was unheard of six months ago. I have always been a night owl, it's the natural rhythm of my body. But this selfish season has inspired me to fight (kicking and screaming) to break some debilitating ways Now my eyes open at the crack of dawn and I spring into action.... Tires changed and rotated by 8am, commercial audition, theatrical audition, work meeting, modeling job, long drive home and a birthday party. Each day brings a new list of things to accomplish and I check them off one by one.
Life has started to happen and it was worth everything that I gave.... even to the takers. Ha!
The more selfish I have become (which really means finally having my own back, but I love to be dramatic and pretend I am soooo selfish that I can't be bothered but that's not really true, it's almost like I have to over shoot in order to get the result I want), the happier I have been. Sometimes it's daunting, the pull to the old ways. It's like a tag that you forgot to cut out of your favorite shirt, eventually you just rip it off because it is so irritating. It usually leaves some sort of tear but it's in the back so no one really sees it.
I plot my course alone with the big guy upstairs. The busyness of it all provides excitement and slight anxiety. I have never been one to plan my day by the hour yet this is what I have become. I devour the time when the sun is out and schedule meetings at 7:30am. This was unheard of six months ago. I have always been a night owl, it's the natural rhythm of my body. But this selfish season has inspired me to fight (kicking and screaming) to break some debilitating ways Now my eyes open at the crack of dawn and I spring into action.... Tires changed and rotated by 8am, commercial audition, theatrical audition, work meeting, modeling job, long drive home and a birthday party. Each day brings a new list of things to accomplish and I check them off one by one.
Life has started to happen and it was worth everything that I gave.... even to the takers. Ha!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Judy and Bernie
I drove out to the beach the other day and I always love the way I feel when I get to the end of the 10 freeway and it opens up to the ocean. It makes the murkiness of Hollywood seem worth it and things suddenly become clear when I breathe the Malibu air. My destination was Pepperdine, a beautiful sprawling campus that sits upon prime real estate where the privileged wrack their brains in their free time to get up out of Mommy and Daddy's grasp. Everyone is good looking and has that sort of California slump to their posture. They can't be bothered and they aren't.
I thought about my cold college days in Boston where I worked a full time job to get through my college experience. I was always hustling. I wouldn't know how to be like these kids. I decided to adapt for the day and I found myself slouching and smiling more without a care in the world. I made my way to the library where I was going to a lecture. I was helping with the event, so I couldn't slouch too much (ha). There were rows of folding chairs lined up and the room could fit about 75 people. The windows in the room went floor to ceiling and naturally there was a view of the ocean. Coming off of my 2 week juice fast, the cranberry ice tea was like crack and I gulped down two glasses before I even enjoyed it. People slowly started to filter in and I realized there were lots of Hollywood heavyweights filling the seats, the ones that make the decisions. I made fast friends with a young woman and secured my spot in a center row. We exchanged small talk about the day. I wondered if I would get antsy sitting through a lecture about the holocaust. I had always been prone to checking out in an academic setting (that explains a lot!) and I suddenly dreaded sitting in the same spot for more than an hour. There was a slight buzz in the air and then our guests of honor entered the space. The air changed, it felt full with more weight. Judy and Bernie had been married for over 40 years having escaped Dachau and Auschwitz respectively and meeting up years later in Munich where they fell in love.
Judy spoke first. She is 92 years old. Bernie adores her still, I could tell by the way he looked at her, it warmed my heart. She recounted the last time she saw her mother and father, it was on the train taking her to the camp. Everyone was getting off the train and it was absolute chaos with the SS guards, pushing, prodding and shooting anyone that misstepped. Judy was 14 years old and was put in a separate car from her parents. Her mother was in a wheelchair and was with all the other "sickly" women. Judy spoke in a low labored tone as she remembered turning around in the middle of the crowd and glimpsing her father, he wore glasses. When she spotted him, she called to him and his glasses were knocked off of his face. She yelled. "Papa , your glasses, you can't see without them." As he bent to pick them up someone had stepped on them. That was the last time she ever saw her father, without his glasses. Next, she heard her mother calling for her. "Judy, where is your father?" "He lost his glasses, he can't see without them." She answered. And that was the last time she saw her mother. You could hear a pin drop in the room. It was sad beyond belief. My eyes were swollen shut and I had so much snot coming out of my nose I had to use my hair to wipe it. I didn't care, I was paralyzed and I couldn't move to get up and get a kleenex. She shared her story for an hour and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. In the end, Judy said she managed to go on and have a life, get married, have children and enjoy it. I will never ever forget this woman. She is remarkable. Her strength is inspiring and meeting her just seemed to reset my whole being. Anytime I start to feel sorry for myself I will remember Judy.
Bernie was next and his approach was more comedic. He recanted his tragedy like that of a stand up comedian. It was just as prolific and brutal but Bernie stood before us so happy to be alive and happy to be in this free country. He was a Nazi hunter and captured many former SS guards. It was like he was the action star in his own movie. This little old man that stood hunched over traveled across continents and looked his abusers right in the face and brought them to justice. He is my new hero. Bernie's life advice was "make decisions, work hard, be proud of this free country and date on the weekends."
I don't want to slouch anymore, I don't want to be like the spoiled California kids anymore. I'm glad I froze in Boston and worked my ass off putting myself through school. Working hard, standing up straight and making the right and wrong decisions led me to Malibu and led me to Judy and Bernie. For this I am grateful.
I thought about my cold college days in Boston where I worked a full time job to get through my college experience. I was always hustling. I wouldn't know how to be like these kids. I decided to adapt for the day and I found myself slouching and smiling more without a care in the world. I made my way to the library where I was going to a lecture. I was helping with the event, so I couldn't slouch too much (ha). There were rows of folding chairs lined up and the room could fit about 75 people. The windows in the room went floor to ceiling and naturally there was a view of the ocean. Coming off of my 2 week juice fast, the cranberry ice tea was like crack and I gulped down two glasses before I even enjoyed it. People slowly started to filter in and I realized there were lots of Hollywood heavyweights filling the seats, the ones that make the decisions. I made fast friends with a young woman and secured my spot in a center row. We exchanged small talk about the day. I wondered if I would get antsy sitting through a lecture about the holocaust. I had always been prone to checking out in an academic setting (that explains a lot!) and I suddenly dreaded sitting in the same spot for more than an hour. There was a slight buzz in the air and then our guests of honor entered the space. The air changed, it felt full with more weight. Judy and Bernie had been married for over 40 years having escaped Dachau and Auschwitz respectively and meeting up years later in Munich where they fell in love.
Judy spoke first. She is 92 years old. Bernie adores her still, I could tell by the way he looked at her, it warmed my heart. She recounted the last time she saw her mother and father, it was on the train taking her to the camp. Everyone was getting off the train and it was absolute chaos with the SS guards, pushing, prodding and shooting anyone that misstepped. Judy was 14 years old and was put in a separate car from her parents. Her mother was in a wheelchair and was with all the other "sickly" women. Judy spoke in a low labored tone as she remembered turning around in the middle of the crowd and glimpsing her father, he wore glasses. When she spotted him, she called to him and his glasses were knocked off of his face. She yelled. "Papa , your glasses, you can't see without them." As he bent to pick them up someone had stepped on them. That was the last time she ever saw her father, without his glasses. Next, she heard her mother calling for her. "Judy, where is your father?" "He lost his glasses, he can't see without them." She answered. And that was the last time she saw her mother. You could hear a pin drop in the room. It was sad beyond belief. My eyes were swollen shut and I had so much snot coming out of my nose I had to use my hair to wipe it. I didn't care, I was paralyzed and I couldn't move to get up and get a kleenex. She shared her story for an hour and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. In the end, Judy said she managed to go on and have a life, get married, have children and enjoy it. I will never ever forget this woman. She is remarkable. Her strength is inspiring and meeting her just seemed to reset my whole being. Anytime I start to feel sorry for myself I will remember Judy.
Bernie was next and his approach was more comedic. He recanted his tragedy like that of a stand up comedian. It was just as prolific and brutal but Bernie stood before us so happy to be alive and happy to be in this free country. He was a Nazi hunter and captured many former SS guards. It was like he was the action star in his own movie. This little old man that stood hunched over traveled across continents and looked his abusers right in the face and brought them to justice. He is my new hero. Bernie's life advice was "make decisions, work hard, be proud of this free country and date on the weekends."
I don't want to slouch anymore, I don't want to be like the spoiled California kids anymore. I'm glad I froze in Boston and worked my ass off putting myself through school. Working hard, standing up straight and making the right and wrong decisions led me to Malibu and led me to Judy and Bernie. For this I am grateful.
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