I'm selfish and it's a good thing..for me anyway. I have to try really hard to be selfish after a lifelong passion of being a big time people pleaser. I'm stepping into this new found freedom and owning it. Now anyone that has known me for a long time is probably jumping for joy at the thought of this because I did for others so much that I did indeed sacrifice my own well being. I think we've all been there once or twice but I really did have a penchant for picking the takers and the anglers. I played my part do not get me wrong, I was looking for friendship and love in all the wrong places whilst trying to fill that gaping hole otherwise known as the fatherless daughter madness. After making the rounds on the therapy circuit, spiritual counsel and intense soul searching I have finally started to chip away at this comfortable pattern that I have developed along my life's journey. Suddenly stability is hot. Gone are the long elaborate excuses of why the broken promises, the social slights, the missed phone calls, the can't be bothered to ever take your feelings into consideration because I just have so much shit that I'm working on and blah blah blah. It all starts to sound the same and it's name is whatever. That dance is so yesterday and quite honestly I'd rather shop or take a nap. Beauty sleep is much more glamorous than deciphering some lie. Ladies and gents I am here to tell you, keep it moving, we all deserve the best.
The more selfish I have become (which really means finally having my own back, but I love to be dramatic and pretend I am soooo selfish that I can't be bothered but that's not really true, it's almost like I have to over shoot in order to get the result I want), the happier I have been. Sometimes it's daunting, the pull to the old ways. It's like a tag that you forgot to cut out of your favorite shirt, eventually you just rip it off because it is so irritating. It usually leaves some sort of tear but it's in the back so no one really sees it.
I plot my course alone with the big guy upstairs. The busyness of it all provides excitement and slight anxiety. I have never been one to plan my day by the hour yet this is what I have become. I devour the time when the sun is out and schedule meetings at 7:30am. This was unheard of six months ago. I have always been a night owl, it's the natural rhythm of my body. But this selfish season has inspired me to fight (kicking and screaming) to break some debilitating ways Now my eyes open at the crack of dawn and I spring into action.... Tires changed and rotated by 8am, commercial audition, theatrical audition, work meeting, modeling job, long drive home and a birthday party. Each day brings a new list of things to accomplish and I check them off one by one.
Life has started to happen and it was worth everything that I gave.... even to the takers. Ha!
