Spilt Soda and Ex-Lovers

I love my street, I think I live on the prettiest street in Los Angeles.  Sycamore trees abound and I get drunk on the cool night blooming jasmine air.  Today I was trying to find a parking space, I turned the corner and there were four cruisers in front of my building. I slowed down to be nosy and I saw my neighbor talking to them.  A waiting Range Rover blew it's horn and the overly tan blonde frantically waved her hand for me to keep it moving.  I parked and went through the back door of my building and ran up the stairs right into two cops outside my neighbors door.  Drama.  I loved it. I think.  Their walkie talkies were squawking and they gave me the obligatory nod when my neighbor peeked his head around the corner.

"Oh my God, I'm so happy you weren't here."

I rested my hand on the railing and it was wet and sticky.  What the heck?!

"That's soda, I threw my soda at him." he said.

Him, being his ex-lover who overstayed his welcome after a serious bout with drugs.

"What happened?"

"He wouldn't leave, I had to get a restraining order against him and he flipped out so I called the cops."

I looked to the ground, it was wet and I didn't know what to say.

"You know, after everything he's done, I still feel bad that he is going to spend his birthday in jail."

"No, don't feel bad, that's co-dependent."  I had to stop myself from going into therapist mode but the look in his eyes wanted more of my words.

"You just have to rip the band-aid off and move on, time will make it better, at least that's what my mom says."

He looked like he was going to cry.

"He used to be so beautiful."

I thought about some of the beautiful ones that I used to know that went right when they were supposed to go left and now, not so beautiful too.

"I know it's hard, impossibly hard and you feel like you are going to feel this way forever but you wont, things are going to get better, I promise, you took care of yourself."

He smiled.

"How are you?"

"I'm good, I feel great, I just had a great audition, things are good."  Oh my gosh, how many times can I say good and great, I think I may have been rambling.  I just go into autopilot in these situations, this is where I shine, taking care of others and making sure they are ok and here in the midst of this man's chaos he asked me how I was doing.  I was thrown.

"When is that movie that you did going to come out?'

"I think soon, I'll let you know."

"Well thank you, thank you for listening."

"If you need anything, knock on my door."

I closed my door and my head was spinning, I'm sure his was too and I started to think about forgiveness.  I had a conversation with two people recently who had polar opposite opinions about it.  One said "it's a crock, you're giving the other person too much power."  And the other said, "it's a beautiful thing, you're whole world opens up when you forgive."

I recently received an email from an ex, who had asked me for forgiveness over the years and I just blocked it out, like it wasn't even an option.  I figured since all of this forgiveness talk was coming up, I would give it a whirl, this is an excerpt of his response:

I am sorry. I really am. I've never had the chance to really show it. I've tried to show it through the good I could do, even when you weren't around to witness, while I try to keep the bad that exists in me at bay. But time does heal... "One thing, I've learned about life... it goes on." - Robert Frost. I still have his book of his poems that you gave me. For almost 15 years it was one of the handful of books that I traveled with. And my mom kept just about every photo we ever had together in a trunk. I went through everything and relived everything. And to know that the most intense and reoccurring regret I've had for almost 20 years has come full circle gives me pause. Thank you.

I read it to one girlfriend and she cried and to another who said "so what."  This or that.  Yes or no.  Words, where are they when you need them.  I wipe my sticky hand and look out my window.  The cop cars are gone.