Bits and Pieces of Possibility

I try to read a lot. It's usually bits and pieces of books. Lately it has been a lot of the Bible. I love Psalms, Proverbs, very high drama. I listen and I learn. I am also reading this book called Intimacy by OSHO. He has a section in it where he talks about fame. He says "You can become famous, but if you are phony, you live in misery. You don't know what blessings life is showering on you - you will never know. You don't have enough intelligence to know. You will never see the beauty of existence because you don't have the sensitivity to know it. You will never see the sheer miracle that surrounds you, that crosses your path in millions of ways every day. You will never see it because to see it, you need a tremendous capacity to understand, to feel, to be." Now I don't know about you but I think this is sheer brilliance. I wish I could meet more people that thought this way. This deeply. This honest. This man is speaking my language. A voice that I crave. That's why I read my books, the book of Ruth and Matthew and John to name a few.

Here in Los Angeles, it's usually about auditions, or working out or someone's latest gig. I have seen the misery that OSHO is talking about, young people that hit it big quick and they are miserable. They had a lot of money to distract themselves, but no real friends. I tried to be true to a few but in the end selfishness won. It was bittersweet. Lessons learned.

I think that's why I gravitate toward old people. My best friend for 9 years was Cassie, I've mentioned her before, we waitressed together. She was old school. A real friend. We spoke everyday. It was magical. Nowadays you talk to a friend everyday out here and you're "needy". It's bullshit and reality and I cope. One other friend I spoke to everyday was this Alabama girl named Angela. We had a good run. We were besties for two years and then she moved back home to get married and have kids. We still talk, of course not as much when we were running mates but she checks in and it feels like family.

I stop and look up. My friend is sitting in front of me. I am surprised. He lives here in Los Angeles but we found out we were both born in the same town in Massachusetts. He can go there, a kindred spirit with a sensitive soul. We talked about dreams, friendships, betrayal and heartache. Can you imagine, all of this in the back corner of a restaurant on our break. He then reminded me of the story of Joseph from the Old Testament. It is amazing. Joseph went through it. He was betrayed by his brothers, thrown in jail, got out of jail, falsely accused of a crime, thrown back in jail and then finally had victory. My friend said if Joseph didn't go through all of that suffering he never would have become the man that he did. Having virtues in this town is a rarity. It's a path that is traveled solo a lot.

I'm sitting here, watching, thinking, and another friend, co-worker walks up. He asks me for his tips then says "I'm such a bad Catholic." "Why?" I respond. "I didn't go to church for Easter, I haven't been to church in 2 years." I said, "That's ok, I've been a bad Catholic too, not going to church for a while." He's 22 years old and works his ass off. He brought his girlfriend in for dinner. "You're girlfriend is so pretty," I said to him. "She's my wife." Wow, I wasn't expecting that. "How old do you think she is?" he asked me. I thought maybe 23. He said "she's 38 years old." I could not believe it. He is absolutely in love with her. He is sitting across from me telling me how much he misses her because she is in Mexico for a month. I have a feeling he doesn't really have anyone to talk to. He says he has a sick feeling in his stomach. He's lovesick and I think it is absolutely adorable. It is sweet and innocent and reminds me of the possibilities.

So tomorrow night, late, me and my virtues will take a cab to the airport and fly home to Massachusetts. It's been almost a year since I've seen my family. Babies have been born and engagements are happening. The minute I step off that plane I'm getting pizza, we have the best pizza in the world.